


Oceans Away

by Inele



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, John's father is a bad person, M/M, Slow Burn, What's new?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:34:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9846086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inele/pseuds/Inele
Summary: “And now I probably failed.” John put a hand on Alex' shoulder and patted it a few times. “I doubt that. You read both Leviathan and Behemoth and I'm pretty sure you are able to cite it in your sleep.” While he spoke Eliza arrived and settled on the chair next to John. “Actually, I remember you murmuring something along the lines of “bellum omnium contra omnes” yesterday while you were drooling on John's shoulder.“John and Alex go to university together in Europe. They even share an apartment. But sometimes John isn't sure if he knows his roommate at all and what else might be up with Alexander.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another one of those university au's no one needs. But I love them so much so I just had to write one.  
> Also, I'm sorry if it is a bit awkward sometimes. This is like... my second fanfiction and I have no idea what I'm doing. :D

“And then they wanted me to explain why Hobbes's theory was still relevant today. Not “if” but “why”! Because absolutism is such a desirable form of government...”, John looked up and smiled at Alex, who had become more and more agitated the longer he talked about his oral exam.

“Let me guess. You talked about the importance of democracy or something instead?”, he asked and absentmindedly stirred his soup. “Well..”, Alex frowned and seemed to think about it for a moment, “Kind of. But I did answer the question. Somehow. I just didn't say what they wanted to hear.”, he added and let his head drop into his hands.

“And now I probably failed.” John put a hand on Alex' shoulder and patted it a few times. “I doubt that. You read both Leviathan and Behemoth and I'm pretty sure you are able to cite it in your sleep.” While he spoke Eliza arrived and settled on the chair next to John. “Actually, I remember you murmuring something along the lines of “bellum omnium contra omnes” yesterday while you were drooling on John's shoulder.“, she remarked grinning and Alex looked up to stare at her – not particularly – menacingly.

“I didn't drool. Did I, John?”, he eyed his food suspiciously – John wasn't sure why Alex had decided to put strawberry sauce on his spaghetti but he usually refrained from commenting on Alex' food choices when his friend was in a bad mood - but took a bite of it nonetheless. “Sure did. But it's fine.”, he patted Alex' shoulder again and started eating his soup. Eliza started to tell them about some project with disadvantaged children she was participating in and Alex seemed to calm down after a while, though he sometimes glared angrily at his strawberry spaghetti as if the dish itself had written Leviathan and then questioned him about it. “And I really wanted to ask Laf if he wants to participate too because he is great with children.”, finished Eliza and looked at them thoughtfully for a moment.

“I'm sure you two are also welcome but Alex has too much on his plate as it is and you just joined this language program, didn't you, John?”, she continued and John nodded his agreement. After his last exam where he had accidentally confused the words for “bean” and “kidney” he had decided that he could use some more help with his German. “I'm sure Laf would love that. Where is he anyway? He didn't join us for lunch today.”, Alex interjected and John sighed knowingly. “He is skyping with Adrienne of course. Today is her birthday and apparently Laf decided that he has to spend it with her even though he can't actually be there.”, he explained. Eliza nodded and smoothed her hair.

“He even baked a cake for her. It's really sweet.”, she added smiling and John decided that they needed to bake Eliza a cake for her birthday as well. It must have been a bit lonely on birthdays for her because they were all studying in a foreign country and most of their families where continents away. Elizas parents had enough money to invite her home for Christmas and such but she was on good terms with them and would probably fly back there every break if it was possible. John on the other hand was glad that there was an entire ocean between himself and his father, though he would have liked to see his siblings more often. It was best that way. Even is father had been glad to send him away. Probably because he had been so ashamed that his son didn't have good enough grades for an Ivy League school. In Europe John was not a visible disgrace and therefore more or less able to do what he wanted. He was happy with the people he had here. He was fairly happy with his field of study. There where still some minor inconveniences but overall is life was pretty good at the moment. Better than Alexanders for sure. His friend was always stressed about his exams and his performance during the semester because he had to be consistently great to maintain his scholarship but lately he seemed especially exhausted. They had joked about Alex drooling on Johns shoulder during yesterdays movie night but John was actually worried. He also didn't mind Alex drooling on his shoulder or – more specifically – Alex being close to him in general. That was an entirely different topic however, one John didn't want to dwell on now.

Alex had been moody and tired and somewhat distracted during the past week. It was November. There wasn't much going on besides the occasional test. They knew each other for a little more than a year now and most of the time Alex was a fairly positive person. He didn't talk much about his personal life but neither did John and though he had wondered whether Alex' relationship to his family was equally as strained as Johns, he hadn't asked. He didn't really think that it was the issue here anyway. Maybe he would ask Alex later when they were alone in their shared apartment.

 

*

 

When John arrived at their apartment later that day Alex wasn't there. Assuming that he was still at the library or probably at Elizas John started cooking up some vegetable with rice and made sure to measure a bit too generously so that he could leave the leftovers for Alex without being too suspicious. He had learned that Alex despised being pitied. It was no secret that he didn't have much money but he was fiercely independent. He didn't even allow his friends to treat him to dinner ore ice cream once in a while. Even though John liked to treat all of his friends occasionally. Not because he pitied them or thought that they couldn't survive without his generosity but simply because he loved them. It wasn't just giving. They did other things for him. Alexander always proofread his papers and Laf went shopping with him and actually got him to try on and buy a new pair of jeans once in a while – it was quite the challenge because John passionately disliked shopping for clothes. So to him it was just fair that he left a portion of rice in the fridge when Alex wasn't back after he finished preparing the food. He glanced at the clock while he was eating and cleaning and than again when he was ready to go to bed. Alex still hadn't arrived. At this point John was a bit confused and he started composing texts in his mind that didn't sound as if he was sitting at home like some overprotective parent worrying about his kid. He eventually settled on something and hid send.

> _[to Alex] I left some food in the fridge. please eat it. the cheese I used expired yesterday and I'm tired of carrots and rice._

After sending it he thought that it actually sounded a bit … rude and hastily added another text.

> _[to Alex] Don't work too hard :)_

Back to worried parent. John sighed and put his cellphone on the nightstand. He was almost asleep when it finally buzzed.

> _[from Alex] will eat expired cheese for you and hopefully not die. thanks John :)_

John smiled and closed his eyes. He didn't wake when the front door finally opened later that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This is getting a tiny bit political. I'm kind of inflicting my own views on the poor characters...Well. Sorry?

Alex was already awake when John shuffled into the kitchen, staring angrily at his phone.

“Good Morning.”, John joined his friend at the kitchen table and grabbed an apple. “What happened?”, he asked after Alex had graced him with nothing but a muffled greeting.

A second later the phone was shoved in his face, revealing the ugly depths of the comment section of...something. What exactly people were commenting on, John didn't know but these days a video about baby turtles could somehow inspire an angry discussion about politics. He frowned, hastily read through some of the remarks. Most of them were indeed… hateful. Sometimes John still wondered how it was possible for people to hate that much, they didn't even need a person to channel their hate on. Maybe because to those people there were no persons. Only groups.

They would not call it hate of course. They would call it worry. Like his father did. For worry no one could accuse them. As if all worry was reasonable and justified, as if it was unquestionable in its very existence. So secure in their own righteousness, for a while they had even convinced him of his supposed sinfulness.

He looked at Alex, took in the shadows under his eyes, the tension around his mouth. Alex cared so much and sometimes he looked as if he were so very tired of it but he didn't ever stop. When he first met Alex he thought that he was a really angry person. Now he wasn't sure anymore. Oh, his friend was passionate and opinionated and sometimes harsh but John had come to think that the core of all this was perhaps not anger but sadness. Or something like that. He knew that he imagined to much about Alex's feelings and motives. Alex always talked about his opinions but rarely about his emotions. And if he ever did it was probably with Lafayette or Eliza, people who were better at tickling out the thoughts ready to spill over those stubborn lips.

“Honestly, though. What are they thinking?”

John blinked and gave the phone back to Alex. He had been staring and not listening.

“Uh.”, he hesitated. Most of the time he didn't know how to communicate his thoughts on matters like this. He knew when he wanted to punch someone in the face or call them an idiot but he didn't know what else to say. “Not enough, apparently.”, he finally settled on and Alex didn't seem to mind his lack of intellectual response.

“… and I'm tired of hearing that it will work out for the people who “deserve” it, who work hard enough, who fit in. That the ones who don't make it are stupid and worthless and just born that way. Because what do they know about it? About working twice as hard and being twice as smart but still being behind just because one went to school for one year instead of nine and never learned to write...”

Alex looked... aggravated and hurt and tired, as if the comments did not only concern him on his usual “human rights and justice” - level but on a more personal one as well.

“What were they commenting on?”

“Article about a project at university for young refugees.”

“Our university?”

“Yeah.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

John squirmed a bit. He wanted to reach over and do something to comfort Alex but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to touch him. Alex was distant compared to his other friends. If he didn't happen to fall asleep on someone he usually seemed to prefer to remain in his own bubble of private space.

“Alex?”

“Yes?”

“Are you… Are you doing okay?”, John shifted his untouched apple in his hands. It should have been a normal question among friends. He knew that. But it felt more loaded somehow. Maybe because the answer he wanted to hear was not “yes”.

Alex looked up, his gaze odd as his eyes fixed on John.

“Why are you asking? Because I'm angry about this?”, he tapped his fingers on his phone.

“No. I was just thinking. You look… tired lately.”

“Ah. No, I'm just working a lot. It's fine though.”

“Oh. Okay. But if you… like… have some kind of problem you can tell me, you know?”, John shifted awkwardly and – having nothing better to do – took a bite of his apple.

“Thanks, John. But really, it's okay. I just need to earn some extra money. Had some issues with my scholarship.”

“It was cut?”

Alex shook his head, reaching for an apple as well. “Just a bit. Don't worry about it. There won't be problems with the rent.”

For a second John just blinked at him stupidly. “I wasn't worried about the rent.”, he said finally and dropped the rest of his apple into the bin underneath the table.

“Mhm, okay. Well. I have class. See you tonight? The rotten cheese was delicious, by the way.”, and with that Alex was already on his way to the door while John still sat at the table in his pajamas, awkwardly waving.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and John are being stupid. Not much else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Hi?  
> I was really busy or something but now I'm free. (For like, two months.)  
> Again, please excuse my language. I'm basically practicing and I'm bad at proof reading :D.

„Look! It's snowing!“, as usual when someone made a comment about the weather everyone at their table gazed out of the window. „I think that's just hail, Laf“, John informed his friend and proceeded to stir his potato soup. Laf was trying to convince Herc that he needed to design matching beanies for all of them and was apparently using the weather to back up his argument. John wasn't sure whether or not he wanted Laf to be successful. “It's still cold. Just imagine! They would be embroidered with flowers and...”, John tuned out and let his eyes roam through the cafeteria. Alex hadn't joined them yet, even though he had said that he probably would and John just couldn't help himself. He sighted and turned his head as he heard a shriek. A girl to his left spilled her orange juice on someones shirt and he winced emphatically as she tried to clean it with one of the flimsy cafeteria napkins. He had met Alex doing something similar, only that it had been pasta sauce and... “...turtles, John?”, Laf addressed him enthusiastically, apparently still going on about his beanie plan.

“Uhm, sure?”, he smiled at his friends and spooned some soup into his mouth.

“I'll see what I can do but I have this big design project and embroidery is really time consuming. But maybe... because Christmas is in a few weeks and you...”, Herc couldn't finish his sentence before Laf started to shower him in love and affection. John watched them for a moment. He loved them but sometimes he felt strangely left out. Not because they did anything to exclude him but because he himself often wasn't sure how to belong. When Herc and Laf talked they didn't need another voice. Oh, they would happily listen to him but nothing John could say would fit their conversation as flawlessly as what they told each other. They were playing a perfect game of chess and they didn't need him throwing his dice in. He wasn't sad or bitter, it was just much more complete with Eliza or Alex here. John sighed and fished a potato out of his soup. His internal whining was both unnecessary and disproportionate and he knew it. He could easily survive lunch without Alex. He was just being silly.

“Hi!”, Johns head shot up to see to whom Herc was talking. It was Eliza with another girl, apparently on their way out of the cafeteria. “Oh, hi.”,he must have looked a bit disappointed because Eliza frowned before she waved at them and proceeded to leave with her friend.

“Why is she in such a hurry?”, Herc let his hand fall to the table and grabbed an apple from his plate. Laf shrugged and smoothed his hair.

“She has this project, I think. So she is probably joining our dear Alexander in his studying frenzy. Or is he working again? Do you know, John?”

John didn't know. Most of these days he had no idea what Alex was doing or where he was at and despite living in the same apartment, they had rarely talked to each other in the last few weeks. It was really starting to get a bit weird when he thought about it. Maybe that was the reason for pathetically missing Alex during a stupid lunch break.

“Don't know. But I haven't seen much of him. He seems stressed. Do you think I should, you know… check on him? I mean, just to be sure he is really doing okay. He says he is but I don't know. We haven't talked a lot and I just...”, John shrugged helplessly.

“And you really care.”, Laf finished for him and nodded encouragingly. “I understand. He is our dear friend but he keeps to himself in his time of greatest need and distress!”, Herc elbowed Laf gently at this point and John had to agree that the choice of words was a bit too dramatic, even for Laf.

“What he means is that you can talk to him. I'm sure he will appreciate it.”, Herc smiled and John nodded slowly. He knew that they were right. A few days ago he had asked Alex what was going on but he hadn't really said anything. John knew that there was something wrong with Alex's scholarship and he was probably really worried about the political situation in the U.S. and the whole world, to be honest.

“I'll talk to him tonight. Thanks guys.”

 

*

 

About an hour later John was looking for a book about spinal injuries in the university library when he came upon a lonely figure. One that was laying face down on a pile of books and was obviously fast asleep. “Alex?”, he put a hand on his friends shoulder and waited until the dark haired man stirred. Once awake, Alex jerked under his hand and turned around to look at John.

“Oh. Hi John. Sorry. I was just...”, he gestured to his noted and ran a hand over his face.

“Sleeping in the library?”, John completed the sentence and took a closer look at his flatmate.

Alex blushed and shook his head.

“Well, that too, I suppose. But I really have to get this paper done today, I'm almost there but I have to work tonight...”

John nodded and removed his hand from Alex's shoulder. He wanted to tell him that he should really get some sleep and not work so hard and take care of himself but he knew that he shouldn't. Alex had to have a good reason for his behavior and before John knew what it was exactly he couldn't really tell his friend how to deal with it.

“Okay. But do you have time to grab a coffee or something? Because this doesn't look particularly productive...”, he smiled awkwardly and swallowed the 'I'll treat you' because he knew that Alex wouldn't approve.

“Yeah. I guess. Let me just get my stuff.”

John waited silently until Alex was done. He hadn't really expected to find his friend so ready to abandon his work

 

A few minutes later they were sitting in the sunroom of the university cafeteria with to steaming mugs of coffee. John felt a bit guilty because by now he had spent most of his day here instead of studying somewhere productively. Than again, it was November and just because Alexander behaved as if it was currently the high time of exams didn't mean that John had to study all the time. His father probably didn't even know in which semester he was in and therefore wouldn't notice what John did or didn't do. He took a sip of his coffee and gazed at Alex, who hadn't really talked since they arrived at their table.

“Can I ask you something?”, John put his -still too hot- coffee back down.

“Sure. What's the matter?”

“I know you said that everything was fine and that you were doing okay and everything but you've been really stressed these past few weeks and I really want to know if there's anything I can do and I don't want to annoy you or push you to confide in me or something like that… It's just… I care, I guess. About you, I mean, your... like...well-being.”, John swallowed hard and wondered why he sucked so much at conversations.

Alex looked surprised and a bit taken aback but he wasn't rolling his eyes fleeing back to his books, so it was most likely fine. Alex sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

“I'm okay, really.”, he answered finally and John just stared at him for a few seconds until he started talking again. “I just have a lot on my plate and sometimes I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to do everything with just 24 hours in the day but otherwise I'm good. I already told you that I get less money from my scholarship. Not because I did anything but apparently they don't get as many donations and had to cut it down a bit or something like that. And then my foster family needed some money and now I just need to work a bit more. I'll get used to it.”

John stared into his coffee for a second. He didn't really understand money problems. His father provided for him and he never really had to worry about rent or food or clothes or anything like that. His bank account was always more or less full and he couldn't imagine Alex being this stressed and exhausted because he had less money than before.

“You know I could help you out? It wouldn't be a problem. My father wouldn't even notice if I just paid the rent on my own or something.”, he looked at his friend and immediately knew that the suggestion had been a bad idea.

“I can manage. I'm not your charity case and I didn't tell you so that you could jump in and let your rich father save me.”, he stood up and grabbed his coffee. “And now I better get back to studying. See you later, John.”

“Okay. Sorry, I didn't mean to...”, he silenced himself when he noticed that Alex was already moving away, “Bye, then.”

He hadn't done anything wrong, had he? Of course he knew that Alex was proud but this was just ridiculous. His problems could have been so easily fixed but instead Alexander insisted on doing it all by himself. John had offered. So why couldn't he just say thanks and be done with it?

Suddenly John didn't want to sit there anymore. He threw his still full coffee- mug in the nearest dumpster and decided to go home. Alexander wouldn't be there anyway because apparently he absolutely had to earn his own stupid money tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

“Laf! I can't wear that. People will stare at me.”, John tried to hide behind the curtain of the changing room but Laf pulled it away mercilessly. 

“Why, John! You look dashing.”

John had to admit that Lafayette probably had more fashion sense than he did but the thing was that he didn't want to look “dashing”. He wanted to look tidy and …ordinary. He had never developed what Laf and Herc called a “personal style”, probably because he had been dressed by his father for most of his life. And while he had traded the suits for jeans and the polo shirts for basic t-shirts he had never felt the desire to experiment. Shopping was exhausting and stressful. At the end of the ordeal he always felt sweaty, tired and not magically beautified at all – or whatever else Lafayatte silently hoped for.

“No. Laf. Please. Just help me find a pair of jeans. I don't need to look dashing. I just have to look decent.”

Laf pouted a bit and rolled his eyes, he didn't actually appear to be disappointed, though. While John usually put up with his friend's attempts to dress him up for a while, he never bought any of the more daring items Laf suggested.

Eventually they settled on black jeans instead of his usual dark blue ones and Laf had a smug look on his face by the time they walked out of the shop. John wasn't sure if it was because of his groundbreaking jeans-decision or because Laf had managed to buy a shawl for Adrienne and at least five very colorful shirt thingies for himself that probably could pass as either tunics or dresses. He wasn't sure about the rules.

“Are you going to visit Adrienne during Winter Break?”, he asked while they were strolling through the city center. The weather was relatively good for the end of November and John wasn't in a hurry to get home. He had avoided Alex successfully the day before and he wasn't keen on bumping into him any time soon. Not going home was certainly not the way to solve their issues but at the moment John didn't know what else to do.

“I wish I could.” Laf sighted and shook his head. “She will be with her parents and the break isn't that long anyway. I suppose we have to endure not seeing each other till spring.” he paused for a moment and looked at a couple that was walking by. “I really miss her.”, Laf added finally and it took John a moment to reply. Laf talked a lot about Adrienne. Usually he did it in his dramatic, exaggerated Laf-fashion and John just couldn't take him seriously most of the time. Of course he knew that Lafayette was in love and that he cared about his girlfriend but sometimes it was hard to remember that there were actual feelings behind Laf's – often overwhelming – performance.

“I'm sorry. That sucks.”

“It does sometimes. But she is worth it.”, this time Laf smiled and it looked sincere albeit a bit melancholic. John nodded slightly and squeezed his friend's shoulder.

“I'm looking forward to meeting her someday.”, he said and Laf beamed at him.

“Of course you do, John. Everyone does.”, he announced almost cheerfully and pointed at one of the bakeries down the street. “How do you feel about cake?”

John felt great about cake. He loved the round, jam-filled doughnuts that could be found in almost every bakery in the city and as long as they weren't shopping it was ridiculously pleasant and easy to spend time with Lafayette.

 

*

 

“Are you going home for Christmas?”, Laf asked after they had settled at one of the tables in the bakery, munching on their doughnuts.

John shook his head and licked a bit of jam from his lip. “No.”, he frowned and swallowed before he continued. “As much as I want to see my siblings I just can't deal with my father right now.”

He shivered at the thought and took another bite of his food. Lafayette knew that John wasn't on best terms with his father but he usually didn't talk about it a lot.

“The last time he called me he was just... gloating over the outcome of the election and I just… I can't deal with him.”, he finished lamely and Lafayette nodded.

“I suppose it can be difficult when your father's political opinion differs that much from your own?”, he asked carefully and John sighed.

“It isn't just that. I mean, It would be okay if he just voted differently than I do. But he is a politician and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about human rights or … uhm. Me... My rights. He's stuck somewhere in the eighteen hundreds and I'm sure he would be happy to reestablish slavery and burn people like me at the stake for “committing dreadful sins against mankind” or whatever...”, he dragged a hand over his face and cursed silently when he noticed that his fingers were full of powdered sugar.

“He would never say that in public but he has no problem laying it all out for me...”, John stopped himself there and shook his head again. He hadn't planned on telling Laf that much but he supposed it was too late now. It was strange to talk about his father. With Laf, however, it was easier because he didn't know who Henry Laurens was. He probably hadn't heard any of the carefully prepared speeches, hadn't been deceived by his father's clean smile that was all teeth and no heart. It had been better when his mother was still alive.

“Oh John! I had no idea it was this terrible with your father.”, Laf leaned over the table and squeezed his hand for a second. “But fear not. We can have a marvelous celebration together this year. I am sure Alexander and Herc would love to join us as well. Wouldn't that be wonderful?”

John closed his eyes for a second and nodded slowly. “Yeah. That sounds great. Thanks, Laf.”

He didn't mention that he couldn't imagine celebrating anything with Alex at the moment. After shopping and talking about his father he had had enough of unpleasant experiences for the day.

They didn't talk much after that. At some point Lafayette remembered that he needed to go to the supermarket and John decided that he had no excuse to continue avoiding his apartment. Alexander probably wouldn't even be there.

 

*

 

Alexander was there. John didn't notice at first because all the lights were out, so he deemed himself safe and decided to prepare some dinner. He had just started to peel his potatoes, when the door to Alex's bedroom opened and his flatmate stumbled out. His hair stood up in weird places and the circles under his eyes looked even more pronounced. John stared at him for a few seconds while Alex moved to the sink and filled a glass with water.

He swallowed hard and slammed another potato onto his cutting board. “Hi.”

“Hi.”, Alexander barely looked at him and proceeded to drink his water. John attacked the potato with his knife.

“Alex… I… uhm. I didn't mean to offend you yesterday.”, he murmured finally because he didn't feel like giving an actual apology. He had just wanted to help and Alex had definitely overreacted.

It was silent for a moment. John could hear the clock ticking and it was suddenly very aggravating.

“Okay. Just don't offer me money again.”, Alexander's voice sounded flat. John wasn't certain whether it was because he was still angry or if he was simply tired.

“I don't get it. But sure. I won't, I promise.”, John shifted from feed to feed and glanced at his friend who was still sipping his water. “Are we good?”

At this, Alexander looked up and frowned slightly. “Yes.”

All of the sudden John's face felt pleasantly warm and his mouth turned upward. He still didn't know what he was supposed to say to Alex and he was pretty sure that things weren't actually mended but it was a start.

“Would you like to eat with me?”, he proposed hesitantly after a minute of silence and his friend nodded. John stifled the urge to throw his arms around Alexander and focused on his peeling. Somehow he felt as if they were at a turning point in their friendship and he really didn't want to screw it up by scaring Alexander away. “You could cut the carrots if you want.”

Alex nodded again and produced a knife and a cutting-board out of one of the cupboards before he settled next to John and started working.

 

They just threw some spices on the food and shoved it into the oven. While they waited for it to be done they sat down at the kitchen table. John was strangely happy about the fact that they did something together in their home but he kept his mouth shut. Alexander was dazedly staring at the lamp above the table and therefore didn't notice that John was watching him. Under closer inspection John wasn't entirely sure anymore that Alexander was just tired. He looked pale and flushed at the same time and that was rarely – John could imagine only one scenario were it would be – a good sign.

After a moment of contemplation he stretched his arm and touched his friend's forehead with his fingers. He didn't approve of that method to determine someones health but he was sure that Alex would have bolted if he had come at him with a thermometer.

Even now the other man jerked in his chair and frowned suspiciously. “What are you doing?”

John shrugged and pulled his hand back. “I think you have a bit of a fever.”, he admitted finally and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

The look Alex shot him was hard to analyze and John decided to wait until he opened his mouth again.

“Could be. Not feeling that great.”, he mumbled after a while and avoided looking at John.

“I could...”, John started but was immediately interrupted by Alexander who was obviously not willing to hear his proposal.

“No, John. You don't have to buy me medicine or wrap my head in wet towels or whatever you were planning just now. I'll be fine.”, he did sound more amused than antagonistic and John smiled hesitantly.

“Can I have dinner with you on the couch and watch netflix, though?”

Alex laughed silently and rubbed his face in his hands. “Sure, why not.”


	5. Chapter 5

The couch was situated in John's room because they didn't really have a living room. The apartment consisted of two bedrooms – Alex's was the smaller one – a kitchen and a bathroom. They had a small balcony as well which was useful in summer but not particularly so in the midst of November.

As usual they sat about three feet apart and stared silently at the screen. Alexander had chosen a show about two lawyers and John was not especially interested. Every few seconds his eyes strayed to Alex. The man was so distant, sometimes John wondered if Alex knew how to do friendship. The only feeling he shared was his anger and sometimes his pride and he rarely initiated physical contact. John didn't expect to be cuddled – he left that to Laf and Eliza – but they had known each other for a year. Surely that meant that they didn't have to sit on opposite ends of the couch. He didn't leave that much space when he sat next to strangers on a park bench. Whenever they were in a group and Alex was forced to sit close to someone he usually did chose John – John paid close attention to those situation, it was embarrassing – but otherwise Alexander would just … create distance. John was mildly offended by this behavior and in the past he had checked regularly whether he smelled bad or spilled something on his shirt.

Nowadays he tried not to think about it too often. And it had gotten better during the past few months. Sometimes Alex actually…

John sighed and attempted to focus on the TV. One of the characters was apparently stealing someone's suits.

“Why doesn't he just buy them?”, he gazed at Alex who shook his head and smiled.

“You would know if you had paid attention.”

Now that he was actually looking at Alexander though, John wasn't sure whether his friend was paying attention himself. He seemed a bit sleepy. Maybe he should just let him go to sleep or something. But it was nice spending time together, even three feet apart from each other.

“We could watch something else after this?”, he took a sip of his water and stretched his legs out.

“We can. But I'm probably going to fall asleep.”

“Yeah, well. If you want to go to bed… or you can stay here. I'll wake you up in case you're asleep when the movie is over.”, John suggested after a moment of consideration. It was Friday after all and it wasn't harmful for Alex to sit on the couch, he thought.

Alexander rubbed his face and nodded. “Let's watch one of your turtle documentaries or something. They're relaxing.”

John snorted and grabbed a pillow to throw at Alex.

“They're fascinating. It's not my fault that you can't appreciate the beauty of nature.” Alexander probably really couldn't. John had never seen him in an environment that was more “natural” than the garden of the castle at university – which consisted mainly of carefully arranged flowers and not so carefully arranged beer bottles. He shook his head, grabbed the remote control and scrolled through the menu until he found what he had been looking for.

“I like your turtles. They're cute.”

“You're cute. And now shut up and lie down. I found one. It's about the Galapagos Islands.”,his finger hovered over the button and he shot a look at Alexander to see whether he was d'accord with the choice.

Alexander nodded absently. He blinked slowly and stared at the currently unoccupied part of the couch, apparently unsure whether he was actually allowed to use it. Then he sighed and – to John's utter amazement – curled up on the couch with his head buried in a pillow close to John's thigh.

Maybe he felt worse than John originally thought.

“How're you feeling?”

Alex moved his head and squinted at him. “Okay. Been better, I guess, but it's fine.”, he yawned and turned away. “Not gonna puke on your couch, in case you were worried.”, he mumbled after a few seconds. John frowned and put the remote control on his lap without starting the movie.

“You know, Alex, I do like my couch and stuff but that's not why I'm asking.”

“Mhm. Okay.”, Alex still sounded sceptical. John sighed dramatically and felt like throwing his hands in the air. Allegedly Alexander was incredibly smart and resourceful and most of his professors seemed to be really fond of him but he was unbelievably dumb with everything else. Or at least it sometimes seemed that way.

“Come on. We're friends. It's kind of my job to care about you. And that doesn't mean that I want you to puke on my couch – I really don't, please use the toilet or something – but… like… the couch is not my priority in this case. So yeah, you're like… more important than the couch. To me at least. And with rent and stuff… It's the same. You know?”, John rubbed his hands on his jeans and grabbed the remote control. “Wait. Are you actually nauseous or something?”

“John… seriously, I'm good. And thanks, I guess.”

“Okay. But if you are, I can get you some ginger tea. Or something.”,he was starting to ramble and he knew it. “Do you still have a fever?”, John's hand abandoned the remote control again and settled on Alex's forehead instead. It did feel warm but it was hard to say with all the pillows and the heating on.

Alex grabbed his fingers and pulled them away from his face. “Don't know. It's okay, really.”

He didn't let go of John's hand, though and John was more than okay with that development. He wasn't sure how they had gotten there from the 'three feet apart' thing but he liked it. It felt nice. Comfortable. They were still dancing around each other, he knew that. All their conversation were a bit too stilted, too awkward. It was scary and often uncomfortable to be friends with someone as complicated as Alexander. And still, John was convinced that it was worth it. Alex was like a wild cat with very sharp teeth and a very soft fur… and John knew exactly why he didn't study languages. He sighed and looked at their joined hands. The screen turned black because he still hadn't selected the movie and it went dark in his room. That was fine, though, turtles weren't his priority either right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the word "couch" excessively in this chapter and then I noticed that I wrote "coach" the entire time instead (at the end of course). I'm really sorry if you find some poor lost coaches. Or something similar. :D


	6. Chapter 6

“John!”

He turned around when he heard his name and came face to face with Eliza, who was apparently getting her groceries for the weekend as well. “Hey!”, John gave her a short hug that turned out a bit awkward because they had to maneuver around their shopping carts and smiled.

“So, how's it going?”, he asked while pushing his cart out of the way. Eliza followed him and they reached an abandoned isle of the market.

“Ah, great, actually. How are you?”

“Fine, thanks. You have plans for the weekend?”, he gestured to the items in her cart. It looked like baking supplies to John.

“Not really. It's Leyla's birthday on Wednesday and I wanted to bake her a cake.”

Eliza took part in a buddy program and Leyla was the girl she had been spending time with for more than two semesters now. John had occasionally met the girl and her older brother and he had to admit that they were nice kids. Eliza hadn't managed to convince him to get his own buddy yet but he could understand why she enjoyed the project.

“Is she six or seven now?”

“Six, turning seven. I'm taking her and her brother to the pool next Saturday. Do you want to come? I got five tickets for free and I was planning on asking you and maybe Alex. Would be great to have some help looking after the kids.”, she explained, smiling brightly.

John wasn't sure if he was the best choice for looking after some wild kids in a giant swimming area but he nodded slowly. “Sure. Sounds fun. Alex is sick at the moment but I'm sure he'll be recovered next week. Do you want me to ask him when I get home?”

“That'd be great. He's so bad at answering texts. Sometimes he'll text me days later and I don't even remember what my question was. Ah, and tell him to get well soon.”, she laughed and John nodded thoughtfully. He hadn't noticed that Alex was particularly bad at texting back. Sure, sometimes he was busy and it took him a few hours or so to look at his phone, but days?

“Is he really that bad? I've never noticed.”

“Yeah, well. He probably isn't with you.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Just that you're more involved in his life. You're like... his special person.”, she shrugged carelessly and grabbed some colorful sprinkles from a higher shelf.

“But I'm not. Like, yesterday he sat on the other end of the couch for an hour or so. And he always does that. And not just that. He is so reserved sometimes, it's frustrating.”, John brushed his fingers through his hair and helped Eliza get another box of sprinkles.

“But that's just him, John. It takes him a while to warm up to people, I think. It never bothered you that much before, did it?”

John paused for a second and stared at her. It was true. It had never bothered him that much. He didn't remember what he had thought when he had met Alexander for the first time. Nothing much, probably. He had just been glad to find a flatmate that seemed decent and at that time that had been enough. Alexander was reliable and he cleaned the bathroom when he was supposed to and John had been able to have a nice chat with him in the kitchen once in while. Alex had been a decent flatmate. A decent flatmate that turned into a decent acquaintance that turned into a decent friend. Someone he could spend time with, someone he could have fun with. Nothing more. John had been okay with that for a long time. He hadn't expected anything else. But now... he did.

“No, but now I… I kind of want more, I guess? Like, I want him to talk to me and stuff. I want to know about his parents and his studies and his childhood and I want him to sit right next to me on the stupid couch.”, John frowned and shook his head. “I guess I like him.”, he paused and considered his words for a moment. “Oh dear. I actually do like him.”, he shook his head once more for emphasis.

“Apparently you do.”, Eliza laughed silently and after a moment John joined her. It was a bit ridiculous after all. It was also a bit frustrating. John stopped laughing and frowned again.

“What am I supposed to do now?”, he raked his hands through his hair and leaned against his cart. Alexander wouldn't judge him. He wasn't worried about that. They had done a really casual outing shortly after they had moved in together because Alexander had been ranting about marriage rights for some time and John had felt especially loquacious – being away from his father did that to him.

“I don't know. You could tell him. Or you could just wait and see. But let me know if you two are coming on Saturday.”, Eliza gazed at her watch and John decided that this wasn't the kind of conversation he wanted to continue in the grocery store anyway.

“I guess you're right. I'll figure it out. And sure. You can count me in and I'll ask Alex too.”

 

*

 

A few minutes later John threw his bag of groceries on the kitchen table and announced his arrival to everyone currently present in their apartment, or – hopefully – just Alexander.

He did receive a muffled greeting from Alex's room but his flatmate didn't emerge. John could accept that. Apparently some of his current difficulties with Alexander were rooted in his newly discovered affection for the man. That he could hardly blame his friend for and he decided not to be unreasonable about the situation. Which was probably not entirely possible but John had liked people before. He had been in relationships. He wasn't some teenager with his first crush. He was a rational man in his twenties. More or less. Probably less. At least his father wasn't here to interfere. Not that there was anything to interfere with. John sighed and began packing away his groceries. It didn't take long and afterwards he still hadn't decided how he would precede. Alexander was barely managing friendship. He probably wasn't ready for John to throw his feelings at him. So maybe 'wait and see' really was his best option. He could easily do friendship. At least he wasn't dealing with enmity. That would have been hard.

“What has the fridge done to you now?”

John startled and turned around. Alex was watching him, leaning against his door case.

“Nothing. I was just thinking. Do you want to go swimming?”

“Okay. Uhm. Now? Not particularly. Sorry.”

“Oh, no. I didn't mean now. Obviously. You still look a bit peaky.”, John gave Alex a critical once over and decided that “peaky” was a bit of an understatement. “I met Eliza at the grocery store and she has free tickets and she wants to go with Leyla – that's her buddy – and Leyla's brother. Next Saturday. And she asked whether we wanted to join them. Because she has two tickets left. So...”

“Yes, why not. I'll text her.”, Alex moved away from the doorway and disappeared into the bathroom.

While he was gone John decided to make himself a sandwich and started to assemble the necessary items on the kitchen table. Alex reemerged as he was buttering his bread and sat down on one of the free chairs. He downed some unidentifiable pills with a glass of water and John watched him sceptically.

“You in pain?”

Alex shrugged and swallowed. “A bit of a headache. But I wanted to finish this essay for Political Theory.”

“When is it due?”

“In 10 days.”

John arranged a tomato on his sandwich. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to answer. Alex was an overachiever and maybe he had to be because of his scholarship but if he had ten days left there was absolutely no reason to write an essay while he was sick.

“So… you could probably also do it when your brain has returned to its usual flawless functioning?”, he asked carefully and drizzled a generous amount of mayo over the tomatoes.

“My brain is functioning fine. And I have to go to work tomorrow and next week. I probably won't finish it today but I have to start.”

“Okay. That's your decision but as a doctor...”

“You're hardly a doctor, John.”

“As someone who is studying medicine I would advise you to rest and let your extremely qualified flatmate make tea for you.”

Alex smiled at him tiredly and rubbed his temples. “I wouldn't say no to tea.”

His head was drooping slightly and he propped it up on one of his hands.

“Go to bed, man. I'll deliver your tea to you once I've finished my sandwich. Want one too?”, John gestured to one of the halves of his sandwich and picked the other one up to eat.

Alexander, however, appeared to be rather uncomfortable all of the sudden and squirmed slightly in his chair. For a moment it looked as if he wanted to say something. Then he nodded slowly.

“No, I'm not hungry. But… Thanks. That's… That's very kind of you.”

“You're welcome.”, John smiled thoughtfully and watched as Alex stood up and went back into his room. It seemed to be hard for Alex to accept that other people genuinely wanted to do something for him. John didn't know why and maybe he didn't need to know but it felt like an important realization. Because this time Alexander hadn't acted defensively or angry. He had just sort of accepted John's offer and moved on. John felt strangely accomplished.

 

*

 

I didn't take him long to eat his sandwich and prepare a cup of tea. He stirred a bit of honey in and gently knocked at Alex's door.

“Come in.”

John hadn't visited Alex's room often. It was much smaller than his own, the furniture consisted of a bed, a closet and a bookshelf. Alexander didn't even have a desk or a chair. He either worked in the kitchen or in bed – therefore his room didn't provide a place to sit for more than one person. Sometimes John thought that Alex had planned it that way to avoid having people sneaking around in his bedroom. He hesitated in the doorway and took a look at the room. Alex was lying on top of his covers, propped up against the headboard. His laptop rested on his knees but it was closed. There were books scattered on the floor next to the bed, otherwise the room was clean and orderly. There were no pictures on the walls, the books were all academical. In short, it was a room that could have belonged to everyone.

“I'm just going to...”, John looked around to find a place where he could put the tea but didn't find one, “Give you your tea.”, he finished lamely and walked up to Alexander's bed.

“Thanks.”, Alex took the cup and held it on his laptop.

“No problem. I'm going to go now?”

“You don't have to. Leave immediately, I mean. You can sit down or something. If you want to.”, Alex paused and looked at his room a bit awkwardly, obviously noticing that the only place John could sit on was on the bed.

“Oh. Okay. Yeah. I can do that.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... I wrote the start of this chapter in August und then I got lazy, I guess. I was also kind of busy. But here you go. :D

“What do I need?”

John looked up and gazed at his flatmate who was currently leaning against his door frame, holding some kind of traveling bag.

“Uhm. What for?”, he asked regarding the bag critically. He couldn't remember Alexander telling him that he was going on a trip soon. To be precise, he couldn't remember Alexander going on a trip in all the time they had lived together. The man didn't travel. He didn't visit family. He barely ever went shopping. As far as John was aware, Alex went to university, to the library and to work. None of these activities justified needing a fairly large traveling bag. Except the library maybe, in Alexander's case at least.

“For the pool, John. Eliza will pick us up in about...”, Alex gazed at his watch, “Three hours.”

John blinked and took a sip of his morning tea. “Yeah, I remember. It's just… have you been to a pool before, Alex? It's not that complicated.”

He himself hadn't even started looking for his swimming trunks yet and he probably wouldn't do so for another two hours at least.

“Of course. It was mandatory in school. I just never went for recreational purposes.”

Sometimes John really wondered about the sort of life Alexander had lead. Sure, John hadn't been to public pools that often either, but that was just because his family had their own pool. As a child, back when his mother was still alive, he had spent countless hours there with her, his siblings or his friends. John was aware that his childhood hadn't been ideal but at least he had experienced a fair amount of basic “kid-activities”.

He decided to take another sip of his tea before he commented on Alex's problems. Choosing to ignore that the other man made it sound as if swimming was some kind of dubious activity, he settled on a -hopefully- helpful response.

“Okay. So… you need a towel and swimming trunks. That's basically it. Maybe shampoo if you want to take a shower after…”

Alex nodded thoughtfully and went back into his room. “Right. Thanks.”

 

*

 

John wasn't sure how he ended up in the whirlpool with Alexander. He had offered Eliza to look after the kids first but she had declined and off to the water slides they were. Being alone with Alex... it was weird sometimes. Alexander wasn't quiet or shy, he talked a lot but he talked about things and issues and most of the time it sounded as if he was composing a speech or an angry tumblr post. John knew the topics of most of the essays Alexander had written during his studies, he knew the names of all his professors and was kind of aware of his weekly schedule. But he didn't know the names of Alex's parents, where he was from and whether he had siblings. He didn't even know what his favorite color was. And honestly, he was way more interested in those things than in the detailed analysis of the past three elections Alex was delivering him at the moment.

“...in their heartland. What do you think?”

John hesitated for a second. Alex had used a lot of words that people who studied political science probably really liked to use and people who studied medicine … not so much.

“Yeah, you're right. I guess.”, he murmured finally and shrugged a bit helplessly.

“You don't have to agree with me, John. I get it. With your father being...”. So that was what Alex had been getting at.

“No. Alex, stop. This has nothing to do with my father.”, he interrupted hurriedly and shook his head. He had opinions but not the means to express them as beautifully as Alexander could and most of the time he would rather avoid talking about politics. The constant questioning what he thought about this and that thing his father said, whether he planned to follow in his footsteps, the uncomfortable conversations at the dinner table… He had been glad to leave it all behind, to find a place, where he was just a random student and not 'that politicians son'. He hated the feeling of being judged for the things he said. Even if he didn't mean them. Even if he just said them to appease his father. So maybe this was his thing. Maybe everyone had one. One thing they were silent about. Maybe John couldn't talk about his opinions and Alex couldn't talk about himself and that was just the way it was.

“I don't agree with my father. I never did. And how could I? I'm his failure. I'm everything he never wanted anyone- especially his son- to be. So yeah. I definitely don't agree with him. I just… I just don't know what to say sometimes.”, he gripped the rim of the pool and breathed out. It was fine. He was fine. It was not a conversation for the pool but he could deal with it.

“Oh.” John could feel Alex's eyes on him, carefully regarding his face. “I didn't know.”

John shifted in the warm water and wriggled his toes. “Yeah, I...I don't like to talk about it. Him.”, he answered after a few seconds. He could make out Eliza and the children at one of the water slides. They were jumping around enthusiastically, waving their arms. John blinked and looked back at Alex who had opened his mouth again.

“We can talk about something else. You just have to tell me and I will talk to you about turtles and…uh... femurs?”, Alex tapped his upper arm, the corners of his mouth were slightly lifted. For a second or so John just stared at him. Then he smiled, albeit a little hesitantly. “There's your femur, actually”, and maybe it was not strictly necessary to place his finger there but John did it anyway. He could feel Alex's body tense under his touch but his friend relaxed again after a moment.

“What else can you tell me?”, Alex pulled his legs closer to his body and pointed at the lower parts of his leg.

“Patella, fibula, tibia...”, John listed as he let his fingers linger where each of the bones where supposed to be. It was a bit awkward, he was aware of that. But it also felt weirdly comfortable.


	8. Chapter 8

“So… you're telling me you like Alex but you think _he_ isn't ready for _you_ to ask him out?“, Herc made it sound as if John was being ridiculous. John was pretty convinced that he was, in fact, not ridiculous at all. To him it sounded perfectly logical, Alexander being Alexander and all. He pouted slightly and watched as Herc went back to using his sewing machine. Apparently his friend didn't deem this conversation serious enough to pause his work for longer than a second. The sewing machine wasn't particularly loud and John knew that Herc was confident in using it even with added distractions. It still felt a bit unfair, though. He had feelings and he wanted Herc to do something about it.

“Well, yes. I just don't know. Do you know how long it took me to successfully befriend him?”, John let himself fall onto Herc's bed and sighed dramatically. He had thought that he would be okay with just being friends with Alex but after the thing at the pool he wasn't so sure anymore. It would have been easier if he had at least known whether Alex was maybe kind of interested in him at all. Or something.

“I think you should let him make his own decisions. Apparently he has done a good job before you decided to supervise what he is and isn't capable of. Come on, John. It's obvious that he likes you and while I can't tell you in which way, I'm sure that he wouldn't flee the house if he knew you had feelings for him.”, Herc stopped his machine and started pinning two pieces of fabric together. He was working on his design project – which would also function as a holiday dress for Eliza. The way it looked, Christmas was some kind of ball at her house. John frowned and shook his head. He knew that Herc had a point but it was still hard to believe. Alex was a complicated person. He rarely reacted the way John thought he would, he got angry about stuff he thought to be irrelevant and ignored things John had actually screwed up. Last week, for instance, he had borrowed Alex's bike and collided with a pole. The bike had a dent in the wheel and Alex hadn't even batted an eye when John told him about it. John had taken it to a bike shop and promised to pay for the repair or a replacement and Alex had still been awfully relaxed. Apparently he needed to destroy his friend's things in order to be allowed to spent money for him. Maybe he could even pay the rent on his own if he managed to cause water damage in Alex' bedroom, he thought dryly.

“I know he wouldn't. I just don't want it to be weird.”

“Maybe it will be weird for a bit. Maybe it won't. Maybe he wants to go on a date with you. Maybe he doesn't. If you are fine with the way it is, you don't have to do anything, John. But you obviously aren't or else you wouldn't complain about it.”

John sighed again and got himself in a sitting position. “You're right. I'm sorry I'm bothering you with this.”, he mumbled finally and gazed at Herc's work. Even John with his very limited knowledge of fashion had to admit that it looked great so far. The colors matched perfectly and the embroidery on the neckline looked delicate and pretty. “Your dress looks beautiful, by the way.”, he added after a moment of silence and smiled when Herc turned around to look at him for a second.

“It's fine. That's what friends are for, isn't it? And thanks. I hope I'll get it done tonight. I think Eliza wants to fly the day after tomorrow...”

John nodded thoughtfully. That was probably his cue to leave and actually allow Herc to work productively. “Good luck with that. I better leave you to it. Thanks for listening.”

 

*

 

He would ask Alexander. He wouldn't expect anything and he wouldn't be angry if he happened to be rejected. That was his plan. John wasn't entirely sure that it was a good one but he could try. As soon as Alexander came back home, John would ask him. If he waited too long, he would just lose the tiny amount of courage he had and Alexander would probably be on his way to some sort of library. Or work, possibly. Winter break started in a week and even Alex couldn't have that many assignments this time of year. John sighed and stared morosely into his tea. He hadn't done much after leaving Herc's place. He could have probably started with his Christmas shopping instead of ordering everything online two days before but then again… John wasn't able to finish his imaginary list about the disadvantages of actual Christmas shopping because Alexander chose this moment to make an entrance. And John was ready. His friend hadn't fully opened the door when John was up and talking. “Do you want to go out with me?”, he delivered breathlessly and Alexander stared at him for a second while he closed the door behind himself. For once it was easy to interpret the mystery that was Alexander's face. He looked confused as heck. It dawned on John that he probably could have waited a minute instead of ambushing Alexander at the door. He opened his mouth to say something but Alex beat him to it.

“Oh... Sure? Where would you like to go?”

Now it was John's turn to gape at his friend. He wasn't sure what he had expected but a casual “sure” certainly wasn't it. “Like on...a date?”, he clarified, still staring at Alexander.

Alex took of his jacket and put it on one of the hooks net to the door.

“Yes? Wasn't that what you just asked me?”

“Yes, yes. I just wasn't sure that you understood. What I was talking about, I mean. But you did. So that's… that's really great actually. I'm glad.”, John could feel sweat gathering on his brow.

“Okay. Yes. I would like to go on a date with you.”, Alex nodded once again, still looking confused but also probably happy. John wasn't sure. He was aware that he hadn't been particularly smooth. Laf could never hear about this.

“That's great! We could… uhm...”, John hesitated. He hadn't thought that this would actually work and now he wasn't sure how to proceed. If he took Alex to a restaurant, they would have the money issue again. He didn't want to put a strain on his friend's resources but he also didn't want to go to McDonalds or risk Alex hating on him for insisting to pay the check. They could cook at home but considering that they already lived together that was neither new nor exciting. Most of the acticities they could do in the city were kind of expensive and John wasn't really well versed in 'cheap hobbies'. They could take a walk in the park but that sounded boring and it was also pretty cold outside. “We could do something that you really like to do?”, he finally settled on and shrugged his shoulders a bit helplessly. Maybe the mayor gave some kind of Christmas speech Alex wanted to attend. He should have really planned this in advance.

“Mhm. What about the Movie Night the University offers tomorrow?”

John nodded enthusiastically, glad that he didn't have to listen to some dude ramble about politics and Jesus for half an hour. The entrance fee to Movie Night was three Euros as far as he knew and maybe he could convince Alex to get a drink with him after. It would work out. It was not the kind of date John would have planned if he had planned anything but then again, the main purpose of this date thing was to make Alex happy and be happy with Alex. It sounded like something they could manage. Maybe a start to something great. Who knew.

“That's great. I'd love to watch… the movie.”, John nodded again and couldn't stop himself from smiling. Alex mirrored his expression for once, although perhaps not as brightly. John wasn't sure if grinning brightly was in his nature at all. Maybe Alex was too passioned, too intense in everything he did to be really happy.

“Colonia.”, Alex said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

“What?”

“That's the name of the movie we are going to watch on our date.”

“Ah. Okay. That's great! Sounds like a great movie!”


	9. Chapter 9

“Okay, fine, I'll have to ask Alex but I'm sure we can celebrate here.”, John sighed and shifted his phone to his other ear. Laf was… excited. It was his first Christmas away from home and he had apparently decided to organize the perfect holiday. John on the other hand had mixed feelings about Christmas. In his childhood, it had seemed magical. Back when his mother was still alive, he had been excited for Christmas as well. He had loved the presents and the time with his family, the food, the decorations, the happiness. Even if it was just for a day. After her death, it had always felt like a charade, a chore he had to do for the sake of his siblings.

“That's wonderful! I will prepare dinner. Do you like goose?”

John paused for a second and tried to gather some enthusiasm.

“Yes. I do. That sounds very delicious. Thank you, Laf.”, he said finally.

“You are very welcome, John! This is going to be marvelous, isn't it? Now, tell me, are you nervous?”

John frowned and started walking to the kitchen. “Nervous?”

“Yes! The date! Are you nervous?”

It took him a second to realize that Laf had left the Christmas topic aside and had started talking about John's date with Alex. Which was supposed to happen in less than an hour.

Alex hadn't arrived yet and John was indeed getting nervous. He knew that Alex had had to work before their date but he was pushing it dangerously close. Maybe he had forgotten. Maybe he had decided that he didn't want to go out with John. Maybe he had been kidnapped. Probably not.

The city was kind of small and kind of safe, as far as cities could be safe. His mind was jumping to weird places, most likely because he really was worried. More so about the first two possible explanations of Alex's absence. He didn't want to ruin their friendship. It was not easy being friends with Alexander when he wished for something else, but he did want Alex in his life, in any way he could. That was the main reason for his previous hesitation. Alex was not only independent, he was also… wild, in a reserved and wary kind of way. He didn't seem to expect anything from anyone, he was cautious and distant and frustrating to talk to, he was moody and angry and sometimes insensitive. But he was also loyal, and honest and one of the most genuine people John had ever encountered. When Alex offered affection and kindness, he meant it. He wasn't the most affectionate person in the world, but John knew that he would take Alex's rare smiles any day over his father's false hugs...

“John?”, Laf sounded worried all of the sudden and John realized that he hadn't said anything for a while.

“Uhm. A little, I guess.”, he admitted finally and raked a hand through his hair. It felt soft and fluffy and…he had forgotten to put any product in it after his shower. “Laf, I have to style my hair. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Or we can meet in the cafeteria.”

 

*

 

Alex arrived the moment John had managed to tame his hair into something that resembled “style”. He left the bathroom and heard his friend rummaging around in his room, emerging after a few minutes in a pair of jeans and a sweater. He didn't look different from the way he usually did. Neither did John. But he liked Alex's normal self. The only thing he would have changed were the ever present dark circles under Alexander's eyes.

“You ready to go?”, he smiled and gestured towards the door. Alex nodded and they put on their jackets.

“Sorry, I was a bit late.”

“No problem. I think we will arrive in time.”, John locked the door and they left the house. It was cold outside and the sky was full of clouds. A few raindrops landed on John's jacket and he was glad that he had put on gloves. Alex hadn't. John wasn't sure if he even owned gloves. They walked in silence for a few minutes, until John felt Alex shiver next to him while they were waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green. John pulled his hand out of his pocket and let it dangle next to his body, trying to show that it was available. Alex took it, weaving their fingers together. John blinked at him and Alex smiled, tugging him away when the light turned green.

“I didn't know...I mean, I wasn't sure you'd want to go out with me.”, he mumbled after a few seconds but he didn't let go of Alex's hand.

Alex shrugged. “I like you.”

His voice was neutral and calm, almost as if he was talking about the weather or the time the movie started. It wasn't a grand revelation, not a proclamation of his undying love. It was just what it was. John laughed, a little breathlessly. “Yeah. Yeah. I like you too.”

 

*

 

The movie was… okay. It was the kind of movie some of the people interested in films could be very enthusiastic about, but John wasn't one of them and he wasn't enthusiastic. He was kind of bored. He shifted on the table they sat on and looked at Alex. Alexander seemed to be… well, not bored exactly but definitely not invested in the movie either. It looked as if he was trying very hard and very unsuccessfully not to fall asleep. John watched him for a few minutes. Alex's eyes would slip closed, then he would pry them open again. After a few times, they would stay closed and Alex's head would bob forward or to the side, until he jerked awake ones more. It looked ridiculous and a bit funny but it also felt… wrong. Alex wasn't supposed to be this tired all the time. John sighed and nudged his friend. He twitched and turned to look at John and his face was hard to read.

“Let's leave. So...I don't know. We can watch a better movie at home later? If you want?”, John asked carefully, keeping his voice low.

“Okay.”

“You don't have to. If you're too tired...”

“I'm good.”, Alex looked thoughtful for a second, then he shrugged. “I am a bit tired but I would like to spend more time with you tonight.”

John stared at him for a second, then he leaned forward and hugged Alex, squeezing him slightly between his arms. When he let him go, Alex was smiling again, in his careful, guarded way. John didn't know if he had ever seen Alex smile that much in such a short amount of time. Something inside of him was unclenching and the next breath he took felt lighter and easier and full of air.

“I'm glad.”, he whispered as they tried to leave the room without disturbing the other people, stumbling over some limps, earning some angrily whispered comments.

They talked on their way home. John didn't really remember about what. It was the senseless, comfortable kind of talk, an easy back and forth. It was something they knew how to do because they had been friends for a while, something they had just forgotten for a while. He had pushed Alex too hard, John realized. He had demanded too much truth and too many secrets, he had expected things that Alex probably just wasn't ready for at this point. Maybe he never would. But he also realized, that Alex wanted to be close to him. Perhaps not always in the way John wanted him to be, but in some way at least. That was good. That was more than he had hoped for.

Somewhere deep down John knew that they would still clash sometimes, they would still fight but he felt much more secure in his knowledge that they would be able to deal with it. They were very different people but they liked each other. Sometimes that was enough to build a bridge that was there to stay.

 

*

 

“Bed?”, the couch didn't look very inviting to John, probably because he was starting to feel a bit tired himself. Alex nodded and it didn't take them long to get settled on John's bed. It was king sized, which was a bit ridiculous considering that John had bought it for himself but he just wasn't one to skimp on comfort. He was happy to see that Alex didn't use the size of the bed as an excuse to get as far away from John as possible. They didn't touch but they easily could have if they moved a bit. Alex graciously allowed John to select another documentary about turtles – John assumed that this meant that Alex didn't plan to stay awake for the entire film.

At some point, John decided to put his arm around Alexander. He got that smile again. At some point, Alex decided to rest his head on John's shoulder. John sighed and forgot about turtles for a while when he looked at Alexander's face. His eyes were still open but he looked sleepy and relaxed. His face was softer, younger.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I'm just glad you're here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They will get together eventually, I promise. :D   
> This just doesn't have anything resembling a plot and I'm not sure if I will need more than the ten chapters I "planned". Well. Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

“So? How do you like it?” Laf was smiling at him, gesturing to the huge tree that was placed opposite to John's bed.

The Christmas tree was beautiful. Laf and Herc had decorated it with a wide array of colorful ornaments and candy and it emitted a subtle pine scent. They had obviously – and successfully – tried to make John's bedroom look nice and christmassy. They had decided to use his room because the kitchen was to small to accommodate the tree Laf had bought. John didn't care. He could understand that his friends wanted to celebrate but the holiday had lost its meaning to him after his mother's passing. It had been pretending after that, a show they put on for appearance rather than joy. That was the way of his father who seemed to life to create a flawless picture for the media. Celebrations were just a new family picture for the hallway, a few others of saying “cheese” over and over again until his lips felt numb. The truth was, he didn't care about holidays and he hadn't for a really long time.

“It looks great,” was what he said instead and he smiled. Alex squeezed his hand and nodded his agreement. John looked up at him for a moment. He had no idea how Alex felt about celebrating Christmas. While he had seemed okay with it, he was considerably more subdued than Herc and Laf and even John himself for that matter. Maybe that was just the way he was. After all, he rarely seemed passionate about anything but politics. For a few seconds, John watched his friends. Herc and Laf were perfectly Herc and Laf, they were in unison and their bride grins matched and the way they talked as if they were solving a puzzle that they had done a hundred times before. In this moment, Alex and he were outsiders, well liked but ill-fitting. He couldn't bring himself to pretend to care about the arrangement of ornaments in the tree.

“I think I'm going to start preparing dessert. Join me?”, he addressed Alex for the last part and the other man nodded before following him into the kitchen.

Alex was cutting peaches while John started making pudding. Laf had put on some kind of french Christmas music and some of its tones escaped through the closed doors. The sickly gray light of the city leaked through the windows and every few seconds John could hear cars moving by. It was not a bad day, he decided. It would be fine. His friends probably missed their families and most of them would probably rather be somewhere else. This was what they had and he wouldn't ruin it for them or for himself.

“Are you alright?”

John startled and blinked at Alexander who was watching him intently.

“Uh. Sure. Why wouldn't I be?”, he shrugged and poured more sugar into his bowl.

“I don't know.”

Alex sounded hesitant, as if he wasn't sure whether he was overstepping some invisible boundary.

“It's just… I'm not a fan of Christmas, usually. I mean, Herc and Laf, they do this because they miss their families and this is a poor substitute but they try to enjoy themselves, I think. And I, I miss my siblings but I don't miss home and I'm glad that I'm here and not there… And I just wish that I did. Want to be there, I mean.”, he breathed in slowly and set the sugar pot down. He was rambling and he didn't even know what he really wanted to say. “It's stupid.”

Alex set the food aside as well and stepped up to him.

“I understand.”, he said quietly and John was sure that he did. “It's not a bad day. We have our friends and good food and we are allowed to enjoy that for what it is. Even if it doesn't mean anything else for us. It doesn't for me. But I'm glad that I'm here with you.”

“Me too.”, John whispered and then they leaned into each other, the way two people do when they decide to do the exactly same thing at exactly the same time. John had kissed people before. It wasn't like a firework. It was a meeting of two vaguely smooth, fairly sensitive and hopefully dry surfaces. Sometimes it was very enjoyable. Sometimes it wasn't. His first kiss had occurred during a game of “spin the bottle” and it had felt as if someone had repeatedly smacked a snail into his face. Later experiences had generally been considerable less snail-like. Alex's lips were dry and a little chapped and John thought that he had to remind him to drink more and perhaps moisturize his face. Alex's lips also belonged to well… Alex and when he realized this fact in its entireness, John decided that it was definitely the best thing about the kiss. What he wanted was to have Alex close to him in every possible way and for Alex to want the same. He could feel Alexander's hands on his back, pulling him to him. A few seconds later, John dropped his head to Alex's shoulder and sighed.

“We should go on another date. It's proper.”, he mumbled and for some reason he started laughing after he had finished talking. It took him some time to stop and when twisted his head to look at Alexander, the other man had both his eyebrows raise. He was smiling, though.

“I think we know each other well enough, John. But I'll go with you on as many dates as you like.”, he too was laughing now.

“True. And I would like...”, John stopped when the door to his room openend and Laf stuck his head out.

“So, what are they laughing about?”, Herc boomed from somewhere in the room and Laf looked at them critically before stepping back inside.

“I believe they are having a moment of love”, Laf said.

“Finally”, Herc answered.

Laf closed the door behind himself and their voices faded into the french version of “Jingle Bells”.

“Finally?”, Alex still had his hands on John's hip. John could feel the blood leaving his brain to settle in his cheeks.

“Yeah, well. I may have talked about you. A bit too much. Apparently.”

“Oh.”

Alex was smiling again, very brightly this time. Suddenly, the dessert didn't seem very important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me way too long. I have no excuse. :D


End file.
